Hello, John! My name is (...), I live in Moscow. To you in a blog entry came through in the top, at first thought that you - practicing psychoanalyst, then read a magazine and added to buddylist relations, which in my LJ very, very little) (...) John, you'll often answer the questions your readers, so I ask artificially advice from you. If you give me a little of your time, I'll be very grateful.
For those who do not recognize this picture: the story "The doubtful guest" Edward Gorey ends with the words:
It came seventeen years ago-and to this day, it has shown no intention of going away
(It came back 17 children, and to this day does not appear that it was going to leave "
this week I was divorced after three years of marriage. Children we do not have the common property - too, so there is nothing to divide us, and everything went quickly. The initiator of the divorce he was, and I did not protest, because understood that, on the one hand, it is meaningless, on the other - until we are married, our relationship can only develop for the worse. Case that our marriage was very precocious, for certain reasons we were married less than a year after they met, courted, and he with me at a distance from another country. I understand that we know each other well enough. But I love him, decided that as it may be difficult then it is - my people, from whom I want children and grow old together. I expected difficulties and was set to co overcoming them. My husband was slightly different motivation. He was in love, but marriage treated much less seriously - has decided that if does not work out, you can always get a divorce (he later told me himself). Well, when we started living together, gradually it became clear that we have entered into marriage with very different expectations. And if I, in the end, it is understood and wanted all to discuss, resolve and correct, he simply decided to to start from scratch - with another woman. Past six months, things were very bad, we had left, but continued with no end to sort things out. In some time I stayed at all without his help - no money, an apartment and work. But nothing has taken, found work and housing, twisted ... not the first time.
In December, he finally told me that he has a new woman he loves, and with it he will live. And just when he burned all the bridges, he suddenly began to realize that very strongly attached to me that he accepts me as a native person, and with his new girlfriend, apparently, he has no such close proximity. So, worrying the gap with me their experiences, he bore me now! Offered New Year's Eve to meet together, to go there and then and there and then. I knew that he had already rented an apartment for her and waiting her arrival, the third number, threw him out with things for two days before the holiday, New Year's Eve chose to sit alone. Three weeks we are not talking, just met, to serve declaration in a registry office. During this time I somehow calmed down, ceased to worry, have engaged themselves in the affairs. And when my husband started calling me with stories about as it is bad and lonely, somehow there was no anger in me to send him away again. Apparently, something he can not get on there with his new love, and complain him, except me, nobody. I no longer talk to him about the relationship and did not prophesy that "you'll be sorry." We communicate on the topic of our hobbies, work, play online gaming network, a couple of times he came to me on pancakes - and all this does not affect me. I do not want it back, because I have nothing to take it back. Where was the love to him, after all remaining ashes. But the anger towards him no, although I can not remember enough reasons. I even feel sorry for him when he calls and says that he can not sleep alone. In general, if you look the part - between us idyll candy buketnye relationship and now he treats me like I was dreaming that he belonged, пока бы были семьей… И вот все мои друзья, зная историю нашего разрыва, дружно спрашивают, почему я его не прогоняю раз и навсегда, почему поддерживаю с ним отношения. Resent, if I say I'm not sorry to give him a little bit of that proximity, which he now no and without him shall live. He did, when I was coming, behaves as if nothing happened, he came home from work and waiting for dinner.
I think I spread over the thought of the tree. My question is, John, here's how: how do you think are normal Whether such a relationship during the divorce? Perhaps, my friends are right, and we should chop off all contact with him? But I feel quite well when we go to a restaurant, or play, or go together somewhere for someone of us. I do not build hopes and illusions, and nothing more of it is not required. I think that when I find myself someone, things gradually settled down to a remote-friendly terms, well, or come to naught.
I'm slowly changing my life for the better. The fact that will continue, whether I want to marry again - I do not think so. So far, me and a quite comfortable.
Probably John, you will receive a pile of similar letters, and I do not really stand out from the crowd) Anyway, thank you for your time! Be well, hello Fedor.
***
Hello!
Something in this story does not converge.
Yes, it is not in vain say that "the opposite of love - not hate, but indifference." In general, much of what you write, "a classic of the genre - first there was a divorce, the ashes, now there was not a single emotion, cry all the tears and all the pain experienced, you have a soul came emptiness and silence. Understand. And the fact that you now have a picture, for which some time ago were ready to give everything - also very typical story. I myself went through this not once, and many friends and strangers telling it literally the same words: "When I was dreaming about it, I could not get it from him. And now, when I finally become a truly all the same, then he tries to and suddenly everything is so good and simple. And all he can, and everything he knows and all he feels ".
And yes, very, very many men think that all of their" former ", no matter how much they In any case, and no matter how many centuries have passed since the divorce, should sit at home and secretly dream of, that he did return, and even resumed communication. Men just like to imagine that they (in whatever form, and even why some) love and are waiting everywhere.
That does not stack?
If you truly do not care - Why did he tell you if needed in your kitchen?
I now imagine that came to me in the kitchen people, to whom I particularly do not have affairs, complain about their troubles. I can hear it, and once more. But listen, and feel sorry for him regularly? I will just wish time and effort, and tired. If this is someone whose life I do not care I talked with him, listen and give advice or sympathy. But even with "non-stranger" is not the most pleasant thing in the world to do.
and phrases like "I feel sorry for him" тоже не клеятся у меня с полным безразличием. Вот я очень хорошо помню те случаи, когда от моих отношений с кем-то оставалось пепелище. После момента, когда наступило Here is a complete peace of mind and I really did not care, then sometimes I learned some details of their lives, but to me nobody was sorry. I was anyway.
I think this is some protective reaction built into us - when we have someone enough times will make the hurt we have towards him feelings switched off so that he could not make us even more painful, and stopped to "get" us into the soul of his jokes, short visits, as well as smashing on pity and other manipulations. So what if he is still able to somehow offend you, perhaps not yet all you have extinguished.
From what I read business immediately draw the conclusion that he still has a chance make you sick. For example, if an unlucky affair did suddenly again, "fix". Or a new more interesting appears. Well, or just - again, suddenly decides to do nibdu something you do not understand or you are unacceptable.
have all this history has another side. Such husbands, with whom divorced, but then it was in the kitchen no matter how what had happened fed pancakes, sometimes think that this is so and always will be. Well, vsmysle that divorce - he is here this is. Here you write "I imagine someone will find and then it settled down. "Are you sure? :-)
I'd rather hear more and more that she thought someone had found and he was still nowhere to sit, and he not only did not pastured, but suddenly begins to interfere with new relationships, to "pull the blanket over himself, talked about what might be you could do it.
Or worse - you do not find myself one, and you just get tired of it! You're writing about how well you go about your business and your life. That suddenly appears you feel that your communication is still no good does not lead, and the better you really work out themselves, will be more than somewhere to walk and take all sorts of invitations, or to call guests, increasing the likelihood that you will find someone else. And he - protested. I described this version as "worse" because in the first case there was a new man could help you explain the ex-husband, that he in your kitchen once. When a woman sits alone at home (and just wanted to sit on one), sometimes the men belong to this a strange request from a deep misunderstanding.
And yet it may be that you've been over the chickenpox, but he hoped something. Ceremony.
Many think so: they could not then try again. And just think, yes, wood, mangled, a lot of terrible has happened, so she does not want to accept immediately. Ie They also think that "everything is settled down," только имеют ввиду, что оно утрясется в другую сторону. И что вы, например, станете парой в какой-то другой (более удобной) форме.
Кстати, не важно, надеется whether it is on something, and to what extent - if it really long enough for you to pass him and it will be convenient, and then you decide to get rid of him, he surely you something nibdu this produces (also a standard claim "and why are you calling me then, if you do not want anything more?" :-)) You'll see.
:-)
And You say that does not show him all sorts of thoughts like, "You'll be sorry," and many (including his) might think you're exactly those reasons go communication. Ie when we finally realize that you really do not want a new relationship, and you do not care to him, decide that the only logical motive for further communication - "revenge." See how it all razyvalitsya, learn about all the details and make sure that Mr. was wrong (and maybe get his confirmation). I am in this case specifically suggest you all sorts of versions, which you can probably totally think. But you're willing to if you pripishut them and refuse to believe that in your head all wrong? :-)
In general - the relationship after divorce are different. And it's very good that you do not have war!
But when the relationship continues, after they finished, it creates the risk that someday they will again end in tears.
So personally I would not talk as if nothing happened with the person who has already suffered one ashes. At least for reasons of self-preservation (little you were crying?)
If you communicate with him, simply because that you are interested in talking with him, playing at this very computer game and there is something else - why not search myself for these innocuous activities of another partner? That you have not offended than I could with whom you do not have such a dramatic past, and of whom do not have to think that he will arrange the following. Because that "as is" it just will not last forever. And all of that it could erupt (from the break up of new attempts), did not bode well.
PS I have read the first lines of this letter with horror! :-) What I am a practicing psychoanalyst! :-)
Dear anyone else, if you come here, "a record in the top," keep in mind I'm not anything at all specialist in the souls of men, and just practicing a happy man. Which by virtue of diagnosis called "graphomania" with pleasure shares with readers his is not quite the standard view of things.
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