Hello, dear Jana!
I love your blog, thank you for what you find time to talk with readers.
always interesting to read your answers - you know how to gently point man the problems that he sometimes does not see himself.
If you seem interesting to my letter, I would very much like you to publish it - I myself solve your problem I can not, the last hope at a glance from the outside. Do not hesitate to tell me what's really thinking. Thank you in advance for you and your readers.
Pictures to attract the attention of the author have nothing to do!
First, some background.
I am one of those people who had a "difficult childhood". Usually
people then have it all his life, never letting go, and even the love story of some unhealthy love, justifying their inaction it. Thank God that I'm on time "Podshurupila" what's what, and to abandon the image of the victim. Learned to take responsibility for their actions and no one to blame for that as a result, I have. Frankly, it was hard. My parents have lived all my life in this manner, and still live in it, blaming each other, me and the capitalist system. I love them very much, but Sometimes I feel like shouting: "Well, how many can?" Sometimes screaming.
At age 16 I ran away from home in the village - fled the city, went to work, took apartment, some of the money has always given to parents who lived deep in the edge of poverty, was educated at the prestigious Moscow university, where she studied on a budget, returned to his city, got married and had a beautiful daughter. Now I'm 23, and, in principle, I am very happy.
I work from home, the husband often travels For travel, home is a couple of weeks - and then leaves. So he does not know the depth of my problem, but guesses.
No, I do not drink, do not smoke and do not change =)
I divorce mess. All
childhood I lived in the house, which was a mess. All the inhabitants were indifferent to the mountains of rubbish, discarded under our feet, because that compared with other problems that seemed a trifle. There were no windows in some rooms, some of which was nailed polyethylene, winter temperature in the house was -3, -5 degrees. Paul was not there either, went on a thin dostochkam, went along with goats and pigs, stumbling on their manure. For the water went down the well on the other edge of the village, there was no bath, and much more. In principle, there was nothing)
And it's not that it was a country house, but the fact that my parents dolt. I do not know who they are - their parents on both sides were very careful. My do not pay attention to what's going on in the house or, for example, that there with me in my room. Before the collapse of the Union and the father and mother were excellent position with great salary. But then got married, and here something happened. Mum left from work to sit with me, my father lost his job in the 91-m and never got a job nowhere else. They were interrupted by small jobs, for the most part stayed in a depression. Thank God that did not drink. But the psychological environment at home was a nightmare. The art of manipulation was learned perfectly, they swore, cried, clapped the door again, swearing, yelling at me and called names like a fool, all I remember from my childhood - it is an eternal hell home and hell at school. In school I was getting over 20 miles by bus every day. School was small, but "glamorous," and there I disliked for the poverty and the fact that I constantly smelled of urine of animals. Well, because I was a A student, apparently, keep quiet, but proud. Can you imagine such humiliation, movies about it from enough, I will not go into details. It was scary. I am proud time recovered from several groups, in which I have not taken after the school opened my eyes to what I see ourselves as something wrong lead. Again, hard, again tightly, I doshurupila before that I was not taught to respect other people - my family such words as "respect" did not know. There was a huge psychological shock, I have long departed from what the monster grew. Of course, I understand that selfishness was a kind of protection from external circumstances, but still the case has been launched ... In general, corrected "childhood trauma" I myself, and I am glad the result obtained. Self-assessment of normal, where you grew up, where necessary - died) became a completely different person now, and I have no problems in communicating with people, there is a lot of friends.
But I learned very clearly define here are character types "of we are all bad, because all the blame for our problems but ourselves. "
sorry long letter obtained ...
fact that I was not instilled in the elementary skills. Mom always washed the dishes for me, brought food into the room where I sat and read books - books were the only way to fence off from the constant stress and humiliation at home and beat up at school. Somehow it happened that I zakuklilas in his head, and everything that was out of the skull, I was a little worried.
Now I can not get rid of it. Probably, this is called consumer degradation. When her husband at home, I keep an apartment wild effort and themselves clean. Worth him to leave - and around as soon as there are mountains of mess, and for days I am not in the bathroom. Specially bought myself a bottle of any bathroom, beautiful towels - it is useless ...
So, when my husband is not, I do not cook myself, but sometimes I can not drink. Some sort of self-hatred that is ... Although I did not consciously feel. The funny thing is that I love to clean if you start to get out, I get pleasure from it, I'm not lazy, and know how to cook and love to her husband and daughter are constantly cooking all sorts of goodies. In the children try to maintain order. Child very much, playing with gusto, keep it clean. But here's to you ... For a complete indifference. And anyway, for me, is typical to observe how the baby vomits a beautiful book - and not feel some emotion, all these manifestations of everyday things - seem I noncentral. Although I have many favorite things, but I do not get upset if my daughter or someone else to break. Not even so - upset, but do not interfere.
Here all sorts of Zen Buddhists say - turn away from the world of things - and you will be happy. And for me it's the opposite - the problem. Sorry for things, I'm sorry disappearing products, sorry my teeth, which I clean once a month, and a couple have already lost.
my little happiness 9 months, I realize that soon I'll have to impart her skills in grooming and maintenance of the house clean, and important to me that her daughter did not know the problems and torments of conscience, that I know.
But I myself tried, believe me, all the options write yourself a reminder, participated in any type of group training "Flayledi" and stuff, tried to promote himself, tried to deprive themselves of favorite hobbies - Useless. Even pediatric nurse made me remark that the dust on the floor - I was wildly embarrassing, I vowed to myself to get out, but the dust have not diminished. And in general, unexpected call to the intercom for me to stress. Pokidyvayu all of which have, until the person goes to the elevator. I
about once a month doing general cleaning. Then hold on, until the floor has dropped the first piece of paper. If you do not'll take it right away - an hour in the room is a mess. I do not know where do all these things and why so many of them .. Tried even throw everything, leaving a minimum. Still a mess. Piece of paper falling, I look at her sleepwalking. And no action. Then around the growing Mount bills. Then things out of cupboards. Then peel bananas, uncleared plates with baby cereal .. I do not have depression (the last time it was a year ago, I know how it looks like, so it's obviously not the manifestations of suppressed depression), there is no Internet addiction, I'm not lazy, always do a job on time, absolutely normal I have everything but that's it.
Copley money to the psychoanalyst - apparently still the one I can not understand. But it is very embarrassing to go with it to the doctor.
Please advise me something, my dear wise Jana!
inside the submarine can not see the inscription on the board. I am in despair L
***
Hello, L.
First - "I have no depression" - I do not believe. Depression is a lot different, and they look and they manifest themselves in different ways, and can be cured by one and plunge into another. Well, or call it what you want. When a person is bad (and you feel bad) and he does not even elementary steps to improve the situation, because it does not have any desire, it is an unhealthy state soul. And then the soul must be treated
Secondly nothing jelly is not here - you can not even imagine how many people suffer from exactly the same problems. And no psychologists long it will be surprised, and they have ways to combat these conditions, and options, and how to identify what your problem is.
Since I'm still not a psychoanalyst and not a psychologist, I will not try to be clever - go, really, to a specialist. You really need it, it's not shameful, but laudable, when chelovenk recognizes the existence problems and seeking help, and a specialist will help you for sure.
The rest - I can speculate aloud about the problem, not giving advice:
Lack of skills - garbage. I will not for a long time and length leads immediately dozens of examples, but most of my most accurate girlfriends and acquaintances, no such skills in the parental home is not purchased. Perhaps the most accurate of my friends. whose home is literally reigns sterile cleanliness, told me that her mother's house was always a mess, were avralnye harvest attacks, and between this mess. She did not like my childhood, and when she started an independent life, she learned, because I wanted her to have been otherwise.
I also have no such skills were not - no one taught me to keep the house in order and keep house. I also learned that itself when started a life of its own.
fact that all systems flayledi and others - is the way to the goal. For those who want to order but do not know how to do it. All these books do not help, when no desire.
In your case - the perennial question: "Why you do not want, why you have no incentive to even basic actions at the level of samosozraneniya? "
Truly you certainly can answer this question only a psychoanalyst.
Personally for me, my house - in the first place my castle. That - that's where I close when I feel bad. Here I otlezhivat when I am ill. Here I vozvraschayusposle any trips, walks or adventures. About the house saying: "Houses and walls help." This - my Zone of absolute comfort. Here I can do what I want. Here I can do everything, as I prefer. I can listen to music, cook, work, lie, sleep, read, try on clothes, do exercises, when I want. Here I can do everything to equip me as comfortable. I can if I for some reason it is necessary, hang a mirror on the ceiling, put in the middle of the room in front of the TV docu ironing. Here I can find yourself a five desktops. Put an easel in front of sofa. Screw the photoelectric cell to the wall in the kitchen. I can do everything, everything turned, as I pleased.
Why do I take care of my home? Firstly, because I just this place love (for all described). For what I here is good, for the fact that here I rest the soul. It is a pleasure to look at what I love.
Second - because the house is an area of absolute comfort, and I want to remove from it anything that creates discomfort. When there was something crunching, collapsing, get underfoot, smell, because it goes out or kisnet, it works on my nervyyu. I want to see anything in the house I did not spoil the mood.
If I have a feeling that there is something threatening my health, it also makes me feel uncomfortable. If I see a lot of dust, I'm starting to think that "I breathe it, if I see something graznoe in the kitchen, I think that "Here I am eating", etc. I do not want to poison themselves and undermine their health in their own home.
Third - For me, in principle, all problems are solved with the lack of motivation, if something has become a creative project. My house has always been for me a creative project. you just wait for it - this is my territory, I've been captain, and I can do I want. I want - all in green painted, zanavesochek porazveshivayu, boxes ponastavlyu. I have a rather distinctive taste, but it does not matter. I have some picture in my head as I would like to look my surroundings. Sometimes I find some pretty pictures on the internet, and I also want to do so in home - whether it's an image painted a bunch of walls, or a drawer lined with packing paper. All the time I look around and I have come thought that "here would have to attach just such a thing" or "everything is fine, but now broken kafelina spoils the whole picture." The more I get the picture how it might look, the more detail I try to fix it.
Many start with decorations in the apartment, and then realize that the mirror looks wonderful. when it is freshly washed, tile should be clean, and tabletop actually once shone. Over time they get to what they are doing an effort and replace broken krantiki, glued that is falling apart, tint that dirty. And then they start to take care of it, they do not want it again fallen off. They feel sorry that it gets messed up - not only because tcho have to buy new. but because it fits so well, and then still go the same find.
Finally, fascinated by the creation of the ideal picture about him, the man bends down and picks up the very first piece of paper fell to the floor, simply because it spoils the picture.
Why do not you want all this? The house is cozy, hearth and family. From your description it seems that the family (as a phenomenon) you do not love you with her nothing but bad associations you somewhere in my heart you know that you want to have a family, but she does not warm you, never warmed. The procedure in the presence of a husband you hover only that there was no screaming. Because even more than the very family, you do not like quarrels and scandals. But you do not need it, it does not warm you - no comfort, no family, no fireplace. AND you do not get to a project. You go to the bathroom and wash and brush up again, because I do not want to hear some criticism from husband. When my husband is not, you do not need it.
All women are moments in life when no power and little desire to go and watch brush up before a mirror. But we know the basic things: thou shalt not wash a couple of days - will deteriorate the skin and treat it must be for a week. If you do not brush their teeth, they fall apart. And treat them then a long, painful and expensive. Overweight - 5 minutes to throw back - hard and long. Why do we all do every day, even if laziness? Because we sorry if it falls apart. We live comfortably in your body when it is in order when it is not afraid to look at yourself in the mirror. It's just like with the house - there's nothing worse than the body, which we badly. Therefore, we try to help us in it well, fighting for good health, which is made of many small things.
not I know that a psychologist will tell you. But I believe in what you can on the one hand to promote in long-term psychotherapy, the deepest causes of all that is happening, but the same time quietly to solve the problem. Let without an accurate understanding of what and why. Just decide.
Might be worth a try with On the other hand: not zavtsavlyat yourself to do the list of what you need, and look for what you want. In the hope that "appetite comes with eating, and then want more.
That you like to cook - try to set the table nicely. Maybe you at some point so will want to dilute the beauty in the kitchen or at the table, and then around the table that do not want to leave with the feeling that you get from it. Remember the kitchen from the movie "The Stepford women? The sight of this once kuehni inspired by my girlfriend clean up your own kitchen. She sunk into the soul of only one picture: a table on which the display fruit and homemade cookies. In order to recover at home here is exactly the picture, she turned the kitchen at the time.
Or look through all sorts of rasivye blogs with the interiors. Maybe something you want from there. Even a single beautiful box! Then, for the sake of the boxes you bring in order all around.
In any case - to plant something a child to believe in it herself. Your child will learn from you to do something with gusto, if he sees how it is a pleasure to you. You can infect another inspiration, if you inspire yourself. You can give the child a sense of comfort, if experience these feelings themselves.
I wish you find this passion and inspiration to really wanted to dilute the beauty around them, and to maintain it.
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